Archive for August, 2008

Loneliness and Me

Posted: August 27, 2008 in Personal

I was away for almost a month, I just want to leave the place that cause pain deep inside of me. I been crying somewhere that no one will see me. Sometimes life don’t bother to keep on our side. I been saying to myself before that life is a just a game that we should learn how to handle, we should learn how to play, but what if you will fail to the game you are playing? It’s not that easy to face the truth, because I am afraid to know that I fail in my life.

I been living in my dreams, and I know that a dream is just a dream, it’s just a fantasy that soon you will wake up and you will face that life ended, living in a dream ends, it is not forever. I was hurt because I used to live in my dream in such a way that I love it, I was used to it, but now reality comes and I have nothing but my old self, crying alone, I was left behind and that really hurts.

During the time that I was alone, I have realized that I should not stop my life from where I am right now. That I have to find my own happiness, I know it’s hard to find happiness if you know that you can’t find any, I have to fool myself, I have to insist that life is beautiful though I’m feeling it’s not, only if I have the one who help me to put back the puzzled pieces of myself, only if I can lean to the shoulder of somebody who catches me when I fall, maybe I can say that there are more reasons to live. But the one that I am longing is so near yet so far, I can’t reach the hand, I can’t feel the embrace and I can’t feel the love anymore.

As I am reminiscing those days, those happy days with the one who brought some laughters on my face, I can’t stop the tears in my eyes. Why is it so hard to accept the truth that the chapter of our lives that we shared together has come to an end? Why is it that life seems so unfair? I am always asking myself, if I have to love somebody do I have to return it with tears? Who among you can tell me that you were not hurt because you love somebody else? Who among you can tell me that loving someone else won’t hurt? I know, we love, we sacrifice, we cry and we love again. But why I can’t love again? Why do pains keep on haunting me?

I remember somebody who told me that because I love too much that’s why…I was meant to be alone.


Time to mend a Broken Heart

Posted: August 14, 2008 in Personal

The hardest thing in life is letting go of something you don’t want to let go. A time that you want to move on for something new but still the heartaches and the pains inside your heart will always remain. Each one of us has its own love story to tell, some live happily ever after, others seperate their ways just to find someone new, there are love in the right place but in a wrong time, sometimes there are love stories both in a wrong time and a wrong place. And me? I have also my very own love story but sad to say it always ends up in tragedy, in the sense that I’m willing to lost my life just to work out everything in a relationship, but always ends up that I’m finding myself in a corner of my room, with tears in my eyes and seeing myself alone.

Since the first time that I was hurt I’m always asking myself why do I have to fall in love and at the end I will cry? Whay can’t I help myself not to love? Why do other people came into our life, touches our lives, but they will just leave us behind? When can I stop the tears in my eyes? And when will be the time that somebody else will love me for who and what Am I? These are the questions that are very hard to answer though the answers are always in our hands.

All we want is to love and be loved. But why do people questioned me if I’m fallen to someone else. Do I have not the right to love? It’s very painful to think that most of the time I am always left behind. I am happy with my social status, I am happy with my family, I am happy with my friends but why is it that emptiness in my heart will always be there for me. I want to move on with my life but a big question mark will always slap on my face about the things that involves me. I have also a dream in life, I’m dreaming to be with the best partner I could ever have in my whole life, and will always at my side for the rest of time.

My heart is always hoping that someday I can move on with my life. I’m always saying before that everything will be okay, that I have to be just at the corner of my own self waiting for someone to be a part of me for the rest of my life. But I was not able to move my life yet, I was not able to look for the right time for me, and until when do I have to wait? Others are saying that I have to buy for someone to love me, to care for me, but it’s not that easy to beg for love, we can lie to other people but we can never lie to ourselves. I was not able to get the essence of buying for some love. And now, before I have to bid farewell to my self, to my old self…I really have to mend my broken heart before someone else will come into my life, because loving others will always starts from loving myself.

You have just met somewhere in nowhere, in an unexpected ways, in an unexpected time. In my whole life I never thought of somebody who will came and be my friend for the rest of my life. If I willbe your friend, I will be a friend forever. Sometimes I can can hear from other people saying that life is nothing without money, life is nothing without power, life is nothing without wisdom but for me life is nothing without FRIENDS. I am always saying to myself that I am rich, not with wealth, but I am rich because I have a lot of friends.

All of my friends have different characteristics, they have different point of view in life, they have different social status, they have different interpretation on life itself. There are people who consider their friend as somebody who is more than a family. I don’t know why but mostly of us confide to a friend rather than to a family, I, even myself used to ran to a friend than to my family. I seek more comfort from a friend than to anyone else.

There are people that surround us that criticize the friendship we have invested to a certain person. Sometimes we were prejudged because we are showing something better to a friend. Why do people sometimes questioned the status of friendship you have? Is it not about giving back of something to a friend because he/she has done something good for you? I can even remember a good friend of mine, who shares all the best thing we could have in our lives. We even define friendship as something that only two hearts understand, no need for words to say, only eyes and we can understand.

As we journey our life, we can meet people along the way, people that will hurt us, people that will make us laugh, people that will inspire us and people who will leave some prints in our hearts. These are the people that we met by chance and some of them proved to be a good friend, and from that few we can find a best friend, as time keeps the two soul closer to one another and destined to be friends forever.

Truly an Inspiration

Posted: August 11, 2008 in Personal

August 10, 2008 at around 5:30 in the afternoon it was my very first time driving a car, actually, I drive before but it doesn’t takes so long, it takes only a minute. And this is the first time that I consider as the very first time. I have with my cousin at my side teaching me how to drive.  Actually, she’s one of my hero in my life. I know she did not only teach me how to drive, but she wants me to drive my very own life. Driving a car is so easy, but I have realized everytime she will talk to me, she keeps on emphasizing that driving my own life is not that as easy as driving a car.

She is a woman of beauty, a woman of brain, a woman of talent, very influential, she has a wealth but she always kept her feet on the ground and as far as I knew her, she is a woman of iron but she is always a woman with a heart of gold.

I can still remember my younger years when she is teaching me how to dance, she is teaching me how to sing and I guess 75% of who am I is because of her. As I reach the point of my life when no one is around for me, when no one wants to extend their hands for me, a time when I almost lost my way, she was there for me extending her hands, and accepting me with wide arms open. She is always misunderstood as somebody else but I know she’s not, sometimes she is just having this facade of an iron lady but I know she is always a woman with a soft heart. There are times in her life that she needs somebody to lean on, unfortunately I was not there for her. She just cling on her faith to somebody else, she trust with all her heart to this person but sad to say she just cry at the end and decided to close the door of her heart to anyone else. It’s August 19, 2005 when she told herself that everything is over, and it’s been three years since it happen and I am just crossing my finger that hopefully she have moved on with her life.

All she wants is to touch the life of other people, all she just want is to give some happiness, all she wants is to share what she have in her life, but why is it that there are people who can afford to hurt her? When can she have the happiness she wants in her life? As of now, I know she is trying to live again, she wants me to drive my own life because she don’t want to see me walking in darkness, she don’t want me to walk in the path that she is walking alone, I have my own journey in my life, all she wants me to know is the lesson that she have learned during her own journey. She is not just a cousin, a mentor for me, a friend, a boss but she is…truly an inspiration for me.

One of her favorite song and I would like to dedicate this song to her as a sort of thanking her for all the things she has done in my life. Though thank you is not enough how grateful I am to have her in my life.

Green Scenery

Posted: August 7, 2008 in Memorable Events, Personal
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I been away from the noise and pollution of the city this past weekend. Going somewhere away from the daily problems of my life. And this is also the time of which I was able to appreciate the beauty of nature, the gift of the Almighty that sooner or later will vanish because of the things human are doing to mother nature.

Three days of staying there is a great time of relaxing your mind, embracing the beauty of nature, and giving myself a retreat. Once in a while it’s good that we have to give ourselves a time to reflect, a time to rest, and a time to enjoy life with all the beauty of nature. Nature tells us, that life can be better if we will just appreciate little things in our lives. I stayed there, and it was a priviledged for me to know myself better, to appreciate little things in my life.

We are staying there in a little “bahay kubo”. Life is so simple, upon waking up in the morning, we can feel the cool breeze of the wind, you can feel the warmth of the sunshine in your face and a mug of coffee. Life is so beautiful then.  Nothing to worry, nothing to rush, and you have no reason not to smile with the sounds of the birds, the noise of the frogs, and the cry of cows. And when the night has come the sounds of crickets will lullaby you to sleep. Life is so simple, I really appreciate what really life means with simple things. It is not the complicated life, but a gift from up above. And a gift to enjoy with.

The “Bahay-Kubo”

Sa ilalim ng puno ng santol.

The wind blows so cold.

The back yard, just like mini forest.
And isa pang “Bahay-Kubo”.

When the twilight comes.

Ang loob ng “Bahay-Kubo”

Don’t Give UP

Posted: August 6, 2008 in Personal
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“…Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved

Don’t give up
Because you are lovedDon’t give up
It’s just the hurt that you hide
When you’re lost inside
I…I will be there to find you”

One of my favorite singer is Josh Groban, He touches soul if he sings. Everytime he sing a song it always remind me of something not to lost hope, that everything will be okay, that nothing compares to a hopeful heart, and nothing can destroy a strong faith. This song of Josh Groban, “Don’t Give Up” tells me that life is like a roller coaster, sometimes there are loops of which we can experience upside down, and there are times that we can see the beauty of the things that surrounds us when we are on the top.I am afraid that someday, hopefully not, I will find myself sleeping in the side of the street, nothing to eat, nothing to wear, no more dignity, and no more pride. I know it won’t happen to me if I will just strive hard for my future, but what if fate will not lead me to what I want in my life? Who knows the future, right?

Sometimes I can say that life is so cruel. I saw a lot of families sleeping beside the street, having a lot of children, no work, no income and contented to what life would bring to them. Can we be happy if we are on their shoes? I don’t think I can define what really happiness means. But most of these families are happy to what they are, because they are just contented with the little things they can have in their lives. The only thing that they can lean on, is their HOPE that someday, somewhere a better life will shine upon them. I can remember my Dad when he told me that life is so beautiful only that you have to find the reason why it’s so beautiful, embracing the true meaning of life, and accepting the fact that we can never be like this way if we will not give up to all the trials and test of life given to us. Everything has an end and the end of all these sacrifices will be granted to us if we know how to dance the test of life. And every end of the lesson a new learning that we will keep in our heart, let it grow and learn how to love the unlearned lessons of our life. Keep you faith, have courage in your heart, and don’t give up.

Remembering my Dad

Posted: August 1, 2008 in Personal
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When I was a child I remember someone who is always there for me. Everytime I laugh, He was there for me, When I am crying He is there tapping my shoulder telling me that everything is okay and I have nothing to worry. Whe I fail in school He is just smiling at me, telling me that he will give me some chocolates if I will pass my grades in school. When I got my medal in grade school I am very proud of it but somebody is standing near the stage of the auditorium smiling and I can see in his eyes that he is prouder than me, and proudest among the audience watching me and my mom receiving my medal of honor in school. He is no other than my dad.
August 3, a day that I can’t forget since this is the day, the special day of my father. This is the day when the Lord brought to the earth the best man that I could have in my life. This is his birthday.
Let me tell you something about him, about being a father to me and a friend. When I was a child, when I commit mistakes, I don’t remember any instances that he spank me nor he pinch me but rather he talk to me straight in the eye telling me that I was wrong, that I commit mistakes. He will bring me upstairs and then he will let me realized the mistakes that I commited by talking to me straight from the heart, of which I feel guilt and ashamed rather than pain. And after that, upon seeing my teary eyes he will just hug me and he will tell me “I’m doing it because I love you and I care for you, that’s why I corrected you”. These are the words that always come from his mouth everytime I commit mistake. During my teenage life, I know it’s normal to confide to a friend than to parents, but he is always telling me that he is open and willing to listen to me to all my problems as a teenager. But I was ashamed with them to open up who really I am, because I was confused and I am afraid. But my father manage to understand me though it’s hard for him to understand. And nothing really change about the love he have showed to us.
I am enjoying my teenage life, he sent me to the best school in our place, he give everything just to please me, he give the life that only few people were enjoying, and that’s my life. They took a boarding house for me away from them for me to realized and give importance to  what we so called “Independence” and true, for me that time it is my freedom being away from them. Not realizing that my father is investing too much sweat and blood just to give me the things I want in my life. And sad to say I abused it. I chose to walk in the different direction of my life, I chose not to follow them as my parents and I chose once in my life to deny them as my parents.
I never knew, that my father is coming back and forth to the hospital when I was in my second year in high school. He don’t want me to know about the real score because he don’t want my studies to be affected by the situation. I never knew that he is dying, I never knew that I will lost him. After several times of coming in and out from the hospital, September 30 of 1995, we lost him. My mom is calling me to be home immediately because of what happen to my dad. And that’s the time I was home, but it’s too late, I did not see him talking to me anymore, he can’t hear me anymore, no more hugs from him everytime tears will fall from my eyes, and no one will say that everything is okay while tapping my shoulder. I was not able to say that I love him, he did not hear it from me before he left us behind. It’s too late for me…
During the wake of my father, when I was sleeping in my room alone, I saw him in my dream and I ask him “Why you’re here?” and he replied “You don’t want to see me anymore, don’t you?” and without even knowing, the tears start to fall from my eyes and he get closer to me hugging and telling me “I’m here just to say good bye, I’m sorry if I did not wait you to be home before I left, just remember always that though I’m far away, you are always here with me (pointing his heart)” and he added “Just take care of your mom and your little siblings coz I have to go now…I will always love you”. Those were the words of my dad before he fades in my dreams. And those were tha last words I hear from him. And I have realized that even death can not stop him of telling us how much he loves us.
To my dad, wherever you are now, we did not see you for almost thirteen years, we been missing you so much, and though it’s too late to say that we love you, that we care for you, and though you are far away from us but you are always here in our heart for the rest of our lives. Thank you is not enough to give you back to all the things you’ve given to us.