Listening to Myself

Posted: August 13, 2010 in Personal

For the past few days of my life I been laughing a lot, making other people making fun of me, I am making them laugh, I am always been the center of laughing stuffs but I don’t think I am really happy. Somehow I make people laugh, I make them happy but why can’t I laugh for myself?

You might be thinking that I’m crazy, something wrong with me psychologically but I am not. I am not confused either, only that there’s an emptiness in me everytime I make people laugh, I know something wrong behind those laughter, there are tears behind it. Have you ever experienced crying while laughing? There are times that laughing will cause us to cry but what I am asking is crying but you want to laugh!? Weird but it’s true for myself, I am crying deep inside and I just want to laugh. I don’t know exactly what is that emptiness in me, until now I am still searching for what I want in life and what makes a real laugh for me.

Today, I can say that I am contented with my life. I have a stable job, I have a lot of friends who are always there for me and most of all I have my family who really cares for me. My family who always understand me, my family who keep on pushing me to the best I could be but I don’t have myself. I don’t know myself. I am showing that I am strong, I can make people laugh at me, I can make them happy but I can’t do it for myself.

There are times that when I came home and I am all alone in my room, I am asking why can’t there be no one who can afford to listen to me in times that I need to talk? Why there’s no one who can make me laugh whenever I need to laugh? Why can’t there be no one who is willing to wipe my tears whenever it falls? Why can’t there be no arms who will hold me whenever I fall? Am I destined to be alone? I have my family, I have my friends, I have my job, I can afford to buy things I want but I can never afford to have someone to be there beside me. I thought it’s okay to be alone. My life is full of drama, I am even thinking that I am just over reacting to what’s happening in my life but I realized that I shouldn’t be alone for the rest of my life. I have a need, I need to love and be loved, I need to understand to be understood, I need to care to be cared, but the biggest question “Who will that be for me?”

Sometimes, we don’t need to shout to be heard, silence sometimes is louder than shouting. Listening is not just simply listening but it’s a connection to the soul.

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